we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
