My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
