I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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