I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
