WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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