there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
