My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
