my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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