I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
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I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
God, I missed his penis.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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