My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
