Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
