I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
handjob tips. give me some.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
