i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
