Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
