she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
