I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Less talking, more tequila
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
