i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
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The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize