its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
