I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
