just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
