you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
