she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
