So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She bit a glass in half.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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