her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
