For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
