Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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