I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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