i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
