yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Come on in and take your pants off
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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