I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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