Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Never underestimate the power of titties
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
