Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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