WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
