Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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