So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
