Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
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I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
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Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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