haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
