Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
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I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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