ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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