Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
