jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
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I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
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I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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