Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
