That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
