so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
