"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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