I think i sorta joined a cult last night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
