I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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