Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
