There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
