You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
