if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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