You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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