my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
