apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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