you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
